From Call of Duty's Mystic Inner Circle:
T H E . C O D I A C
Don't
be fooled - your normal Astrological Starsign
is in no way connected with your inner Call of Duty Starsign!
I think you work it out according to where Jupiter was at the exact time you first used a PPsH on semi-auto or something like that ... or is it one month exactly after you enter a match 10 seconds before it ends? I'm not sure, these crystal balls are so cloudy! Perhaps the easiest way to determine your codiacological family is to read the defining characteristics outlined below!
United
Offensive Updates
Listed
in blue!
Aqkarius
Defining characteristics:
Aqkarians
are, by nature, a rather scary bunch - they have a distinct habit of sneaking
off and shooting you in the head at the very moment you *least* expect it, scaring
the crap out of you. Mild pants-wetting is frequently the outcome of battling
these silent but professional types, hence the term Water-Scarer.
Favourite weapons: Rifles like the Kar98k and Mosin-Nagant, however Aqkarians are fond of using scopes if it will result in frightening people.
Respected by: Most players, for their professional, methodical yet humble approach.
Loathed by: Leetos, Tauntus.
Aqkarius
this week:
While
practicing your rifle skills, you will accidentally shoot the Pool Cabana Boy
at the mansion next door in the head, and be forced to hide his body on the
set of Big Brother. So that nobody will suspect foul play, you will need to
impersonate the vicitm for the next two months, using a false moustache and
hawaiian shirt. Beware of older women drinking Coca-Cola. Favourite
colour - Aquamarine Blue.
United
Offensive Aqkarius:
The
Aqkarian Scariness Factor is somewhat diminished in United Offensive, due to
the ability to cruise around a map wearing several tonnes of steel plate. Nevertheless,
the Aqkarian is always there, sneaking about, ready to cap anyone who sticks
their nose (or other body parts) out into the open.
Although it's against your Aqkarian creed, you'll spend time with these new tank thingies and perfect the art of the aimed shell. After a while you'll get the hang of firing a shell 400 metres through the air so that it lands exactly in the barrel of the enemy tank and blows up their own ordinance. Better yet, you'll perfect the "shoot-a-seagull-so-that-some-gull-goo-falls-on-an-enemy soldier-who-then-has-to-wash-his-fatigues,-which-he'll-throw-their-flag-in with-so-as-not-to-waste-water,-but-then-the-washing-machine's-broken-so-they'll-have-to-use-the-local-laundromat-which-is-at-your-base-haha-gotcha" shot.
Finally, you'll teach yourself how to fire a shell so perfectly it breaks the light-speed time barrier, pops out of existence, and re-materialises back in the 1980s killing the guy who invented hair mousse before he got to tell anybody. Your legend continues.
Campricorn
Defining characteristics:
Never
the first into battle, the shy, retiring Campricorn prefers the shade and solitude
of good cover, ideally well out of sight, which is why they are so rarely seen
in the open. This meek persona, however, has a dark side, as there is nothing
a Campricorn likes more then leaping out from behind a crate/rock/tree and dispensing
free whoopass.
Favourite weapons: Grenades, Explosives and Rifle-butts, anything sneaky.
Respected by: Search & Destroy players, who understand the unmatchable joy of remaining immobile for long periods of time.
Loathed by: Scopio and Trudgittarius especially, who is usually on the receiving end of aforementioned whoopass, and Spysces, who has got so bored they left to make another round of sandwiches.
Campricorn this week: You will be jailed for manslaughter this week, after you leap out from behind a shopping trolley and scare a little old lady to death. Luckily for you, your Campricorn ways will prove extremely useful in prison, where none of the other inmates will be able to find you to play special games; nor can the wardens. You will escape with the first crate-bearing truck to leave the prison, and spend the rest of your life as a fugitive, forced to sleep with various Supermodels in order to find shelter for the night. Favourite colour - Prison Blue.
United
Offensive Campricorn:
With
such expansive maps, the Campricorn faces a paradoxical dilemma - there's a
zillion camping spots to choose from, but equally disadvantageous is the fact
that there's just as much likelihood that no-one will ever come by that spot
at all. The United Offensive battlefield is littered with hundreds of corpses
of Campricorns who just couldn't resist "waiting that one minute more."
You will devise a dastardly new trick very soon - of occupying a tank while pretending there's nobody home. You're so good at it, however, that the rest of your team-mates give you up for dead and don't come looking for you after the match has ended. You will wake up about 50 years later, the tank now rusting in a Polish War Museum. Wrapping your white beard around your waist, you wipe about half a century's crust from your eyes, and wade through 50 years of drool to get out of the infernal beast. Unfortunately, the curator of the museum has had the lid welded shut because of the large number of disrespectful people that had used the turret as an impromtu toilet seat. That's not engine grease down there.
Luckily, you'll get out in one peace thanks to your G.I.-issue can-opener, and spend the rest of your days rich and playing Santa in various X-rated movies.
Spysces
Defining characteristics:
Spectator,
spectator, what do you see? The Spysces is, more often than not, out of play,
taking a demo or away from their computer making a sandwich/feeding the cat.
When they are present in a Call of Duty match, they police the field
unwaveringly, ready to catch and record the first sign of possible cheating
... or to record some mouthy fool getting his ass shot off.
Favourite weapons: Grenades, pistols or scopes, anything with the best field of view.
Respected by: everybody for their dedication to fair play, when they *are* there.
Loathed by: Cheaters.
Spysces this week: Bad news - while spending countless hours recording those hobby-esque CoD moments for your personal viewing pleasure, you will miss out on a once-only 'Carmen Electra and the Rest of the Playmates Extremely Nude' Special Uncut 3 Hour TV Marathon. After deciding *not* to kill yourself, you will decide that the best way to forget the whole unfortunate tragedy is by watching 3 straight hours of CoD demos. Favourite colour - Blue Movies Blue.
United
Offensive Spysces:
Thanks
to the diligence of Punkbuster, and the futility of aimbot vs Tanks, there's
less policing to do in United Offensive. Rest assured, however, that there is
so much to see and do that Spysces will now have more material than ever to
wade through and digest.
While playing back a particularly heated Tank Battle late one evening, you espy something very ... peculiar. In the background there's an Allied Base, and as per usual Tanks just appear out of thin air when they're due to spawn. But ... what was that ... no, go one frame back ... Oh my GOD. There, betwixt the Tank-not- being-there, and the Tank-being-there, is one frame that you just weren't meant to see. Thousands of sweatshop Penguins, frozen in time by your Spysces camera, are working frantically over a half constructed Panzer chassis. How could they... do such a thing? While you ponder this dark conspiracy, there is a knock at the door. You open it and are immediately set upon by at least five Ninja Penguins, who beat you unconscious with frozen kippers.
When you re-awake, you are alone... and if not for the bruises on your testicles you might think it all a dream. Your PC is still running the demo, but the penguin frame is gone. The truth is out there.
Fairies
Defining characteristics:
For
the Fairies player, it's all about altitude, baby! When they're not bunny-hopping
left right and centre through combat, you can usually spot them on high, boosting
their way up to the top of whatever structure they can climb. Fairies has an
amazing sense of balance, countered by a (usual) complete lack of grace or style
as they flit around the map looking for any new ledge they can climb, now their
V-Sync is disabled.
Favourite weapons: Mobility is the key for the dancing Fairies - Rifles, Stens, Thompsons and MP40s.
Respected by: Other Fairies and disco-nightclub owners worldwide.
Loathed by: Scopio, Aqkarius and anyone else who's trying to lock on.
Fairies this week: Since they don't drug-test athletes who play CoD, this week you'll max out your framerate, disable V-Sync and try and jump to the roof of the church in Dawnville. Unfortunately, you will pull a groin muscle in the process, and be unable to gain the altitude you so desire. Luckily, you will recover just in time to win the Fairy-Queen-Danceoff Championship being held in a private room at the back of the Depot. Favourite colour - Oyster Blue.
United
Offensive Fairies:
In
many ways, the scenery in UO is complex and diverse - there is much to explore!
Yet in other ways it is much harder to gain any altitude, as the buildings are
much more 'clear cut' and harder to climb. Curses, if only you could get to
the top of the Foy Church ... in a tank!
Not to be outdone, you decide to pimp up your very own Shermanator Tank, complete with bouncing low-rider shocks and coils, trick neons and a sound system so loud it's like a satchel charge between the ears. After it's painted in wildly cool hues and the halogen fog lights are installed, you go bouncing around the laneways of ponyri hoping to pick up some fit German hotties. Unfortunately, the paint scheme is a bit too visible, and seconds later the only thing you have left is a soot-black face and some singed fluffy dice.
Defining
characteristics:
A
constant drivel of abuse, team-killing and expletives is the hallmark of the
Tauntus, pausing only to trouble everybody by calling yet another vote. The
Tauntus strongly believes that it is very cool and unique to impersonate Cartman
from Southpark as much as possible, since nobody has ever done this online
before, apparently. Deep down inside, the Tauntus just wants to be loved ...
for the first time ... by someone who won't laugh at miniscule genitalia.
Favourite weapons: Either end of the scale - Scopes and Rifles, or Panzers and FG42s, anything you can kill with and then claim some form of ownage/bragging rights,
Respected by: Nobody, not even other Tauntians, who see them as competition.
Loathed by: Everyone.
Tauntus this week: Your girlfriend will leave you this week, running off with the flea-ridden, neutered old Labrador at the Junkyard next door to where you live. She will claim he is more of a man than you, leaving you no option but to take it out on unsuspecting Call of Duty players, as you've done before, when she ran off with Aggro from Wombat. All is not doom and gloom, however, as the doctor will tell you this week that you might reach puberty afterall, perhaps in your thirties. Favourite colour - Haven't-a-Clue Blue.
United
Offensive Tauntus:
"Hey,
I'm gonna go get a heavy tank and sit in their base and OWNz ALL!" you
tell your team-mates as you set off. "LOL! Satchel Charges are for NOOBs!"
you'll say a few minutes later, gunning down infantry attempting to blow you
up. "NOOB!" you'll scream with glee after destroying a light tank."FFS,
YOU FLAK GUN CHEAP NOOB CAMPER!" you'll moan as your tank gets blown apart
by a Flak Gun. You then jump in a jeep to get even with the Flak Gun operator.
Who then blows you away with a Heavy Tank. "FFS, Gay HEAVY TAnKs are for
NOOBS!" you'll scream. This is a normal day for you.
Things won't last, however, as the violent language you've been yelling at the monitor has scared the neighbours into calling the police. They kick your door in, shoot you with a tazer, and decide that since you don't look even remotely dangerous you must therefore be a paedophile. You are later charged with repeatedly assaulting a Police Officer's Bootheel with your face.
Defining
characteristics:
Ah,
Germani - the Axis twins. This player (or players!) always seems to be in two
places at once, spawning behind you just after you kill them, popping up just
after you kill their team-mates, forever tagging in to make your life hell.
Noteably, when two Germani get together, they forge a supernatural link (okay,
it might be TeamSpeak or Ventrilo) of communication, hunt in pairs and dish
out some serious butt-kicking all round.
Favourite weapons: Anything German, but usually combinations of Kar98ks and MP44s
Respected by: Nearly everybody, except Spysces, who see Germani as very fishy indeed.
Loathed by: Campricorns, who leap out from behind crates and get owned by the other Germani.
Germani this week: In a moment of rare, drug-induced hallucination, you enter into a political debate vs your own pet hamster, Gilbert. Gilber calls in the heavy guns (notably Twinky the Mouse), leaving you no option but to team up with your own mirror for the election showdown. After banging your head on the mirror during an in-party disagreement, you fall into peaceful dreams involving the Olsen twins (Mary Kate and Ashley) and a large hot-spa filled with whipped cream. Favourite colours - Nipple Pink and Baby Blue.
United
Offensive Germani:
The
deadly duo are even more formidable with United Offensive's vehicles at hand.
Two tanks attacking in concert are a fearsome threat indeed, and the quick capture
and retaking of flags between you both is your trademark speciality.
The partnership will go a bit awry this week - culminating in a massive bunfight over who gets to drive the jeep. The fierce argument descends to new lows and you end up both of you wrestling with the steering wheel, all the while the Horch gains more and more speed. Seconds later you are totally airborne, the wind screaming in your ears as you hug each other and look around in fear. With a crash, the Horch slams into the rooftop of the Foy Church, where you remain balanced precariously. Down below, you can hear Fairies swearing his guts out. There is nothing you can do from up here except sit out the match, exchange German Porn Site Addresses with each other, and drop Horch Seats on that Fairies dude who's down below.
Defining
characteristics:
The
good Chancerian believes strongly in fate. Why waste time lining up the enemy
with a scope or rifle when you can just spray a hail of bullets their way and
let the Gods dish out justice? The Chancerian is the bravest, and maddest, of
the Codiac, fearlessly running headlong into combat - where sane men dare not
tread. Their characteristic strafing-sideways run has earned them the nickname
'The Crab', or also 'SPAM B*stard!' You won't find too many Chancerians outside
of TDM or BEL tho, since the F-key doesn't work so well in say, Search &
Destroy. Some Chancerians rack up some phenomenally high scores. Sometimes these
are kills rather than deaths!
Favourite weapons: Anything MG or SMG, definitely the PPsH if available.
Respected by: Other Chancerians, Scopios and Aqkarians (who love the practice).
Loathed by: Leetos, who think luck, or calculated risk, should be considered cheating blah blah blah windbag etc.
Chancer this week: Staggering home from an insanely mammoth drinking binge, you will somehow manage to turn on your PC and fire up Call of Duty. After two hours of trying to join a game (because you've forgotten how to use the mouse in your drunken stupor), you find yourself in a Team Deathmatch and end up with an amazing score of 123 - 6 courtesy of your unpredictable 'drunken-monkey' fighting style. Tragically, you won't remember any of this the next day when the police show up asking why you've parked your car halfway through your living room. Favourite colour - Boys-in-Blue.
United
Offensive Chancer:
Wahoo!
You can't believe your luck - United Offensive is packed to the brim with Chancerian-style
weapons - more MGs, Flak 88s, Tank Cannons and Jeep Guns then you can poke a
Panzershrek at. And when you start to think about Artillery you get so exciteable
you have to go and lie down for a bit. The choices are endless, and you'll waste
many a moment on deciding whether to take the big tank, or the f**king big tank.
Decisions!
Your new tactic this week will be to shoot at everything that *doesn't* move, to see what happens. The ploy will pay off, with the corpses of Campricorns falling out of buildings, ruins and highwalks left right and centre. You will spend the rest of the match locked in a fierce battle between your Tank and a tree.
Defining
characteristics:
They're
always near the top of the score leaderboard (except for the occasional Chancer,
which Leeto HATES), and they know they're good, really, really good. Leetos
like to own, and they wouldn't play Call of Duty if they weren't going
to dedicate most of their lives to mastering it. Leeto's insane skill with the
Rifle, SMG or any weapon is matched only by their insanely huge ego, refusing
to rub shoulders with (or often even talk to) anyone remotely 'Noob'. Leetos
deem themselves the outspoken authority on how the game should be played.
Favourite weapons: Rifles, rifles only, rifles ffs!
Respected by: Other Leetos, but grudgingly, especially if they're scoring higher.
Loathed by: Tauntus, who will blow a fuse and leave when a Leeto becomes apparent among the enemy.
Leeto this week: Now that the olympics are over, you can return to what you do better than everyone else, Call of Duty. Sadly, this your PC will overheat and explode from extreme ego exposure - kililng your Sister's Parrot - and you will be declared MIA from the CoD servers, forums and community in general. The resulting frustration will shorten your life by 24 years because of the brain tumour you now have. Favourite Colour - Royal Me-me-me Blue.
United
Offensive Leeto:
Rather
bad news for Leetos, United Offensive is an unsightly, cumbersome update that
allows peasant-like Noobs to use tanks, making them impervious to your insanely
god-like skills, if you say so yourself. Oh where's the humanity! Every one
of your protest campaigns against armour and artillery fails, because every
time you sit on the road and start chanting "All we are saying, is give
Leets a chance" you get run over by Burgo in his damn Jeep. Aaaaaargh!
You decide to go back to good old fashioned Call-of-Duty, where all the other
Leetos are nursing their egos. Your head is hurting in a strange new way, and
you get the strange feeling that your Sister's Parrot is haunting you somehow.
Defining
characteristics:
Burgo,
the Game Show Host, is ever the polite and friendly player, no matter
if they're owning you, or you're owning them. They're just happy to be online,
living it up and having fun. Consequently, the Burgo is always welcome, albeit
sadly they are the rarest of the CoDiac signs - since Prozac is a prescription
drug afterall.
Favourite
weapons: Anything,
they just wanna play CoD.
"Is it rifles only? Okay, sure!"
Respected by: Everybody ... Everybody loves the Burgo!
Loathed by: Well, sometimes the Tauntus just can't help himself.
Burgo this week: Soon you will enjoy a total epiphany of gameplay while watching 'The New Price is Right, Bitch', and realise that the Chancerians had it right all along, CoD is just one big Wheel of Fortune. If ONLY you could rid yourself of that nagging skill that follows you around, you could be more like them. Oh well, you'll be happy anyway. Favourite colour - Blue Skies Blue.
United
Offensive Burgo:
You
will become Burgo the Busdriver - yes, in every game you play, they let you
drive the jeep. They let you take them places, they let you drop them off. Later,
they let you come and pick them up again in your shiny jeep, aren't they nice!
You even get to beep the horn and run over rude people not using the pedestrian
crossings. Due to your considerate nature, you will somehow manage to get 3
passengers onboard a Jeep. Then 4 ... 5 ... 7 ... soon the whole team is riding
in the back of your jeep, like 20 acrobats stacked on a motorcycle at the circus.
The enemy is so impressed they stand around clapping and buying souvenir guides
and popcorn instead of trying to stop your mercurial dash.
Despite your amazing success, you will still be grateful every time you spawn next to a fresh vehicle... "Hey, it's a NEEEEEWWWW Car!" you'll say.
Defining
characteristics:
LiBrens
are the quintessential balanced CoD player, equally at home using any kind of
weapon ... even the (shudder) Sten. They are also unique among the CoD community
for enjoying the Lee-Enfield rifle for it's superior fire rate and ammo count
over the Kar98k. Almost as rare as the Burgo, the LiBren is personified by the
fact that in nearly every match they play, they break even - an equal number
of deaths and kills.
Favourite weapons: Anything British.
Respected by: Germani especially, who realise that they can never 1-2 the cautious LiBren.
Loathed by: Tauntus and Leeto, for the same reasons.
LiBren this week: If you play Ship this week, expect to be approached by a strange, dairy-product-affiliated player, asking you to join his crew ... beware foul music should you accept, and under no circumstances agree to touch his 'hamster'. The sea is a cruel mistress, you have been warned. Favourite colour - Navy Blue.
United
Offensive LiBren:
Your
amazing balancing act enables you to drive a tank on just 'two wheels' - that
is, one tread. This in turn enables you to take the tank places that no-one
else can get to. "Get OUT OF MY BATH!!" screams Jessica Simpson, and
you giggle with glee. "Oi! Who invited you here?" says Hugh Hefner,
before deciding to let you stay at the Mansion anyway. "Say, shouldn't
you be fighting a war or something," says one of the Playboy bunnies later
that evening from your picnic rug on the back platform of your Tank. "Don't
worry babe," you say as you click your martini glass to hers, "It
will all balance out okay."
"How the F**K did you get that F**KING TANK up THERE!" screams the Fairies player from somewhere beneath the Foy Church rooftop.
Defining
characteristics:
Scopios
are a reclusive type, preferring to retire to the far side of a battlefied where
the sound of SMGs is distant and will not disturb their pleasant view across
the map. This bird-watching-like placid manner is married to an equally prevalent
psychosis involving shooting people in the head, of which nothing gives a Scopio
more joy. The easiest way to tell your Scopio apart from the Aqkarius is that
whereas the latter is scary as all hell, getting capped by the Scopio usually
results in mild cases of "Oh no, not again."
Favourite weapons: Anything with a big fat lens on it ... okay not the FG42.
Respected by: Aqkarians and Leeto.
Loathed by: Campricorns and Chancerians.
Scopio this week: While scoping out Hurtgen this week, you will be distracted by what appears to be a new topless beach at the other end of the map - oh my, isn't the cold weather exciting now! Don't be fooled however, it's a trap, those are MINES, don't touch em! Also, you may need to wipe the steam off your lens. Favourite colour - Winter-Nipple-Blue.
United
Offensive Scopio:
Big
maps mean big scopes, and the Scopio within is sure to have you rushing out
to buy the latest 5000x Lightwave Ultra Zoom Lens. Consequently, you will discover
that you can see over the horizon and beyond, allowing you to kill players in
the next map... while they're still playing the current one you're in now. Everyone
will suddenly get very confused, but as luck would have it Einstein will appear
out of thin air, wearing phat pants, an afro and a bass guitar, and tell all
present to chill, it's relative, baby! Generously, you make friends by sharing
your scope around to spy on Topless Australian Girls.
Defining
characteristics:
This
soldier goes the distance - managing to walk, crawl or run all the way
to his objective, taking every precaution ... and then gets capped just before
he gets there, without firing a shot. Poor Trudgittarius! Characteristically,
Trudgittarius knows his fate is more-than-likely sealed, but sets off anyway,
eternally hopeful they'll complete the mission and their death will be worth
the effort. Forever getting jumped by Campricorn, nailed by Scopio, scared by
Aqkarius, owned by Leeto and laughed at by Tauntus, they are the most selfless
of the CoDiac.
Favourite weapons: Bah, what do I care, I never get to fire it anyway.
Respected by: Burgo, LiBrens and Spysces.
Loathed by: Fairies, who think missions are a waste of time, c'mon let's boost!
Trudgittarius this week: Your neverending quest to plant the explosives will backfire this week, when you wake from slumber and realise that you have sleepwalked down to the Deli and strapped a deadly can of baked beans to the Deli-owner's pet dog Smoochy. Luckily, the owner is an undercover Taliban agent and will try and recruit you instead of calling the Police. Turning the tables on the evil man, you detonate the beans and run away laughing. Favourite colour: Mission-Complete Maroon.
United
Offensive Trudgittarius:
Trudgittarians,
as ever, are always the poor souls left stranded at base without any transport,
screaming "I need a ride" until they are hoarse and typically a bit
on the cranky side. This week your teammates will do it to you all over again,
rushing headlong into enemy territory and getting all killed into little bits
before you've managed to get the words "I need a -" out of your mouth.
All is not lost, however, as by the time you've managed to cross the infernally
large map and reach your objective, the entire enemy team has got old and retired.
You laugh as they ineffectually bombard you with bingo cards, false teeth and
Cliff Richard's Greatest Hits CD covers.
While you're stealing their flag, make sure you get the right one - some of those flapping cloths are drying bedsheets.
